A gift awoken to

This (very cold!) morning I woke up to a beautiful frost pattern on my bedroom window. This is part of it.

Happy official hump day

Things just may be coming together. I had a long chat with my adviser this morning and he laid out some ways to overcome the challenges present in my current proposal draft. The most important, and unforgettable, thing he told me was to make it look viable on paper, to get it done, and that things can always change once I am in the field, since they almost inevitably do. In other words, don't worry about getting every detail right, right now.
As we sat there and talked, I couldn't help getting excited. He was supportive all the way of what I want to do: extensive area survey, in one of the remoter parts of the world, just me, a 4x4 bakkie, my trusty GPS unit and perhaps a couple of assistants. Oh, and a sweet DSLR. Visions of pith helmets danced in my head, even as I tried to rein in the fancy-free with self-reminders that this could, and probably would, be a logistical nightmare, and I started to realize just how much I want this adventure to happen. I want to be everything Indiana Jones should have been, without the snakes, Nazis, monsters, or nuclear fridges. Well, ok... I guess that real archaeology minus the freakish side plots equals the exact opposite of Indy. Agatha Heterodyne might in some ways be a better parallel: "Adventure! Romance! Mad Science!" Only without the romance, actually.
Anyway, fantasy characters aside, today is the first day that my proposal is looking passable. Not just interesting, or possible-in-the-future, but actually, concretely, in reach. That is worth celebrating (which is why I just finished eating a very delicious slice of celebration Irish Creme Chocolate Cake at Gone Wired).
Fixing the proposal itself isn't the only reason that future research seems finally within reach. I had a couple of revelations while talking with my professor, which are thus:
1) The bar is not that high. PhD-level research or not, archaeology honestly doesn't ask questions that are all that tough, mostly because the answers are unattainable, as in dead and windblown away. Framing the questions and carrying out their implementation isn't easy, mind you, but the questions themselves cannot inherently be all that complex.
2) No one has all the answers. My prof, a 30+ year veteran of fieldwork in my proposed area, couldn't supply all the answers to the logistical questions I posed him. This used to scare me, making me think I was asking the wrong questions, but today I realized that, in fact, there will be times where I will just have to find out for myself, and to make it up as I go along. This was actually a huge relief.
3) I don't have to be right. I just have to make it sound doable on paper, and whatever results I get, I have to highlight their significance in my writing.
That's academia in a nutshell, I guess. I already knew these three things in theory, but for the first time, today, I really understood them.
And that's why today is hump day: no, it's not Wednesday, but in one sense it's all downhill from here.

Haiti

" "We have run out of IVs and IV needles and IV fluids," said Dr. Mark Hyman of the medical relief organization Partners in Health. "We've run out of surgical supplies. We have to wash with vodka, and we have to operate with hacksaws because we don't have enough operating tools."

The military is going to help with organization and supplies, Hyman said. "They're going to help us get electricity, they're going to help us get food, they're going to help us get tents, they're going to help us get all the operating supplies in," he said.

Early Wednesday, 3 million Haitians were still in need of food, water, shelter and medical assistance, the United Nations estimated." - CNN.com, 01/20/10

Despite CNN's excellent coverage of the disaster in Haiti, I still feel like American newswatchers are being sheltered from the worst of it. How do they isolate the dead from the living? On half a small island, with an estimated 200,000 dead or dying, and hundreds of thousands more at risk of infection from the dead bodies and from the refuse amassing in the refugee camps, how do you maintain sanity?

That's a medical and logistical nightmare I wouldn't wish on anyone. It's worse than the hell imagined by medieval sculptors and painters wishing to scare churchgoers straight.

It's difficult to think about, heartbreaking to picture, and almost impossible to conceptualize the extent of the damage done by the earthquake. It's also frustrating knowing that there's very little I personally can do to help. However, as I was reminded yesterday by a friend, Haiti isn't the only place in need, and I can have a positive effect on people and places more immediate to me.

Is it a breakthrough? Not yet...

... but I think I might be getting somewhere on my dissertation proposal. After weeks of agonizing anxiety over my apparently insurmountable methodological issues on establishing chronological control, I just sat my ass down and forced myself to read over my proposal draft and the comments my prof had made on it. This is a scary, SCARY thing, to confront such a highly imperfect representation of your self-made aspirations, the tangible measure of your self-worth as a blossoming academic, the sum of your educational background, the bar for your future career. It's so scary that every time I looked at the 10-page document this past month, I said to myself, "Nahhhhh.... I can't right now. I'll tackle it soon, just not now."
My proposal matters much more to me than to anyone else; it's the same with any student whose thesis looms in the near future. This is partly why I am so scared of it: because how can I convince anyone else that they should care enough to lend me some advice or assistance (or god forbid, funding)?
But, having run out of excuses, I did it today, and (as happened before, and will happen again) on reading through it, I realized it's not so bad, and even got a bunch more ideas on how to get at what I am trying to analyze. More to the point, I thought of how to break down the problem I want to research into its different bits and am forming a plan for how to tackle them one at a time.
The first and most important step in my plan is remembering to breathe.

Nrrrrdcore 1

I likes me some comics.
However, printed serials get expensive to buy - an average trade paperback collection of 5 "flimsies" runs about $20.00. I used to just suck it up and pay, but my bank account and common sense protested, so I went to the library.
Turns out CADL has a decent selection of comics! Unlike MSU's comic collection - apparently a world-class collection, but heavily guarded - they can be checked out like regular books.
But now for the real purpose of this post: webcomics!
Just a short list of some favorites I've amassed thanks mostly to the recommendations of other comic-obsessed friends:
Girl Genius "Adventure! Romance! Mad Science!"
Dr. McNinja Dinosaurs, pirates, bandits, and Ronald McDonald as the ultimate archnemesis.
Sidekick Girl "Superheroing isn't a daydream, it's a career path!"
Sluggy Freelance "Aliens, demons, dating, and bunnies with switchblades."
Questionable Content Indie music, coffee, and anthropomorphic PCs.
Girls with Slingshots "Two girls, a bar, and a talking cactus."
Note: you'll have to go to the "first" or "archive" button on all these to start at the beginning, if you are so inclined.
That is all! Happy procrastination.

I have really got to learn better time management. Today, instead of working on the fellowship application that's due on Friday, I spent most of my time reading the backlog of Girl Genius webcomics. In my defense (weakly), that comic is a page-turner! A metaphorical one. See for yourself at Girl Genius.
In a slightly stronger defense, I did get a number of practical things done too - shoveling snow (aka workout), calling DHS and bitching at them for denying me food assistance for (what seemed to me to be) a screwup on their part, aaaaand... um... dishes?
The application will get done; I'm not really worried about it. It's more the fact that I always tend to leave things like that till the last minute. I don't treat grad school like the job it is, not as much as I should anyhow.
I am only writing this mildly whiny post because I still haven't found a strategy that really works. Am I just undisciplined? Feedback or suggestions welcome (or friendly insults, though remember that if you're reading this I probably know where to find you and pummel you). :)

SPOILER ALERT! I am going to talk about happy things below (well below).
A so-so day can turn into a bummer one with only one piece of mail. Today was even a pretty good day - Anna and Randy came home from two weeks out-of-state and even shared their chicken wings with me (yayyyy), and before that I'd been pretty productive on the school front. I got home and there was a shiny gold package waiting in the mailbox for me. I knew it was just stuff I'd left at my parents' house over Xmas that my mom was sending back, but shiny gold package! However, behind the exciting box was a letter from the Michigan Department of Human Services, informing me my application for food assistance (yes, I've resorted to food stamps for the time being) had been rejected due to my failure to submit all necessary income verification. Odd, since I'd previously received a letter - and a food stamp debit card - telling me I'd be getting so much government handout per month. And I'd already spent that monthly allotment.
Well, this may hopefully be solved with one phone call; it could have been a mistake. But it got me spiraling into a familiar funk - the I have no money - I am always broke - I can't manage my finances - I can't manage my life - What am I doing with my life? General sort of "I suck" mood swing.
THANK GOD it had been snowing all day. This afforded me the chance to vent my mood through an aching back courtesy of the snow shovel. While clearing the driveway, I decided I might blog about this subject; then decided: no. My life does not suck.
My life does not suck nor do I!
Therefore my blessings I henceforth shall enumerate:
1) Loving support of family and friends who are also interesting and fun people! I know and am even related to some really freakin' awesome people. If you're reading this, you're one of them. Go you!
2) Pretty good health. Can't complain too much there.
3) A house whose mortgage I've managed to pay every month. On occasion this was a pretty epic feat, but so far so good.
4) High quality housemates. They rock.
5) My kitties. They snuggle with me and do happy dances when I come home. And they only puke on my stuff once in awhile.
6) The opportunity to pursue the career of my dreams, even when it turned out to be not quite what I've dreamed of. See #1,2,9.
7) The SCA (www.sca.org) I LOVE playing this game and the people I've met through it.
8) Dinosaurs.
9) Intelligence and the desire to use it. I credit the aforementioned family and the damn good education they provided me.
10) Four-wheel drive. It makes driving in the snow FUN! I guess I should also mention my friend James who lent me the car with the 4x4. He deserves to be higher up on this list.
11) FOOD especially veggies from the MSU SOF, and everything my family cooks. They're better than a restaurant.
12) Music.
13) The number 13. It's my lucky number.
14) Shiny gold packages!

That's all for now. I am in a much better mood.

Building a backlog

I want to have a backlog of blog posts published so people have something to read if they find this site. Three posts in one day is like craziness. But who cares.
I shall now ramble for a bit about music. Back when I was in earlier stages of my professional studentship, and was considerably less personally developed, music was the failsafe for when things went to hell. I always had a collection of comfort music I'd play if I felt hopeless, insecure, or downright suicidal, which happened from time to time to time. This collection has evolved over time but still exists. Oddly, it's sort of morphed into the music I play while I study. (I don't know what this says about the relationship between my schoolwork and my emotions.) This music is what I sometimes play on loop endlessly, obsessively. It's still the supreme mental comfort food.
A sample playlist might look like this:
Artist - Album (s)
Mugar - Penn ar Bled, Kabily-Touseg
Bela Fleck - Left of Cool
Tom Waits - Orphans
Luar na Lubre - Plenilunio
Shakira - Servicio de Lavanderia
Greg Edmonson - Firefly soundtrack
Cinematic Orchestra - Man with a Movie Camera
Kate Bush - Hounds of Love
The Pogues - If I Should Fall from Grace
Tori Amos - Under the Pink
---
So, yeah. That's another piece of my life.

A house that's now a home

Since I just wrote about school, I thought I'd even it out with a note about something else that takes up a lot of my time - my house.
I bought a 2-story, 1500 sq. foot single-occupancy house in Lansing in spring of 2006. I was 23 years old and in the first year of my graduate program. At the time, I was halfway through a year-long apartment lease, but I was so pumped about the house that I closed as soon as I could and moved in the next day. I didn't even clean or paint before I got my stuff inside my new walls, though I didn't have much stuff back then. The night I moved in, I hosted an "Alcohol and No Furniture" party - a few friends came over, had a few beers, and admired the bookshelf that was the only thing in my living room.
Thanks to the help of some friends, I got some used furniture soon enough, but between paying the mortgage and the remaining 6 months of rent on my old apartment, I might have been better off keeping the spartan look for awhile longer. My enthusiasm for home ownership spilled over into buying things I thought a home owner should have, like a gas grill and a futon for the front porch. My measly graduate stipend barely paid for food and bills, and although I had a housemate as of that summer, my spending habits way outpaced my income. Not only that, but I had no idea that a house required regular maintenance at various points in the year. Change filters? Clean gutters? Wait - I needed a ladder?
I left that May for a month as a teaching assistant at an archaeological field school in the Czech Republic, financed those travel costs myself, and returned in June optimistically thinking I could pick up an easy part-time job for the rest of the summer. Instead I ended up borrowing thousands of dollars just to make rent until my financial aid kicked in come September.
Thinking I was now OK, I returned to relative profligacy, only to have my housemate move out in December. I think my failure to rake any of the massive piles of leaves was one factor (I thought they would simply disintegrate under the coming snow. I was SO surprised the next spring). I was on my own for a few miserable months until the Craigslist ad I'd put out was answered early the next spring; I then spent another miserable month wishing I'd screened my potential renters better and hadn't offered a fixed monthly payment.
Things got hugely better when the asocial engineer who constantly complained moved out, and the young aspiring Buddhist monk moved in. He'd been looking for a quiet, cheap place to live; he was working as a driver for an EMT service in Lansing but intended to save money for a move to Thailand where he'd train as a monk. After he moved in, he'd leave each weekend for his local monastery, and on weekdays, I'd hardly notice his nonintrusive presence.
It's been well over two years since he moved in, and he's stayed. I've added another housemate along the way, and it's with cautious optimism that I say ours is a happy little household. At least, they're happy enough to keep paying me rent each month. I'm much better about raking the leaves now, though I am still working on snow shoveling.
I can say with total honesty that 3+ of years of home ownership has done more to make me an adult than anything else in my life. It's given me a strong sense of place and belonging as well. I like to think I am better off because of it, and that my life will continue to improve as I continue to manage my property better. I even have enough furniture for real dinner parties. Next spring there may even be a garden.

writing exercise

So I want to post things I think about on this blog. I think about school and work a lot... so we'll see if I can make them interesting. It will be good practice for the kind of writing I want to do professionally someday, which is publicly accessible "academic" stuff. So if you're reading this, I welcome comments, critique, or suggestions.
To start off, I am an anthropology PhD student at Michigan State University, with a research emphasis in southern African late prehistoric archaeology. Yes, I have been on digs before. No, I don't own a fedora or a whip, but I do like 3/4 of the Indiana Jones movies. My academic interests range from straight-up anthropological/ archaeological method and theory, to multidisciplinary social scientific collaboration, to public/ academic dialogue-building, to international development, and to anything else that might tie in to these subjects. There are a lot of things that tie in to anthropology, which is part of the reason I haven't given up on it yet.
I consider myself a dedicated student but seek to live a balanced life, which sometimes means sacrificing potential career opportunities for other "real life" commitments. I live in constant fear of walling myself in an ivory tower; I believe I can be a much better, and more relevant, researcher if I integrate things I do for a living with things I live to do.
This has been my first attempt at putting my gradually evolving career manifesto into words. More sure to follow later.